Ramblings
WARNING -
Not for those who may have an issue with this... I hope for anyone who reads the ramblings here will draw strength and seek help if needed like I have....
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March 15, 2001
Hi Kirsten,
I commend your courage to come forward with your issue. I think that coming to the boards has been the best thing for me. I have made so many friends that will be life long because of the music and the message.
I have been someone who has been an emotional eater - when I am depressed I either eat too much, junk food, or not enough food. This problem has been going on for over 10 years - I am now 28 years old. Posts by someone like you and others to have made me come forward with my problems with this issue. I have had alot of heartache and pain in my life - not being accepted by my peers (high school and college/university), emotional and physical abuse as a teenager and college student while living at home, a devasasting job loss in September 2000 and having to move back home, etc etc.... I also had to turn my back on 4 years of independent living and mindset too. Also I have suffered a
devastating heartbreak from someone who once loved me even though he lived far away....My biggest thing is my size. I may not be a be an Ally McBeal (stick figure) and alot of Americans dont like bigger people like me. I have had people tell me I am beautiful when I post my picture on the boards and I have a great smile too but I have a hard time believing it. Not many people tell me that I am worthwhile either in my real life (off the boards) beyond a few friends and family members. Even my new boyfriend tells me I am beautiful and I know he means it. I have wrestled with depression and stuff for many years but the events of the past 6 months have been alot for me to handle at once. I am glad to have many understanding friends.
Right now, I am listening to "Crash and Burn" - a song I credit with being a Godsend to me. Listening to it helps me not go over the edge. I am a Roman Catholic Christian, and my faith is important to me too.
Here is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a radio show and also I sent something similar to the fanzine, and I hope it gets published there...
I know most people are inspired by family members or friends but my inspiration is a very famous person I have never met but I would love to meet someday. His name is Darren Hayes from Savage Garden. I have had the chance to see him perform twice live in concert and went from someone who liked his music to someone who just fell in love with the messages of the music. I have even met
a lot of great people who are fans of the music on the official fan message board
too because of it.
I suffered a devasting job loss in September and had to pack up nearly 4 years of life on my own and move back to my hometown. It was very depressing to go from being on my own to moving back to my parents home where I was not happy at all because I was constantly being reminded of my many choices in life like my weight problems and not being more financially responsible. One night, I had a really horrible argument with my mother and I was ready to just give up on everything and I didnt want to live anymore. I was out doing some errands and job hunting the next day when I was waiting at a railroad crossing waiting for a train to go by, and thought that it was my way out of these problems of mine. But the radio started to play "Crash and Burn" at the right time and Darren's angelic voice just got to me. I broke down and cried then I went online later on to tell my friends what happened. The song told me I was not alone at all. To this day, I can't sing along to it because it speaks to me so well and when I am depressed, I turn on Savage Garden's music and it does a world of good because Darren's voice has an effect on me that I cannot explain at all but many of my friends on the Savage Garden Fan BBS know that all too well.
Someday, I may get the chance to meet him and tell him how much the music meant to me when I was feeling depressed and also I would like him to know how much I love him too. I am glad that God made sure I heard his angelic voice and also that he was able to share that talent with the world too.
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Coping Phrases
March - April 2001
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"I am loved by so many people."
"I have an attractive heart and soul."
"I am a good listener."
"I am there for others when they need a friend."
"I am very talented with graphics and webpages."
"My smile lights up my face."
"I have alot of willpower."
"My friends and family are important to me."
"God knows I am a good person deep down."
"I have a talent for writing stories and essays."
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From MelissaHayes...
yep...
How about...
'at least 5 people in the world love me'
'I am unique and cannot be replaced'
'god made me perfect in my own way'..
I cannot think of anyother tonight but i will and post them tomorrow!!!
Love ya hugs melissa:)
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From Natalia - TaurusChick
How about talented singer? How could you forget about that one? Internet savvy. Where would both I and DC be without your help? Plus you are very good with children and it's obvious you will make an excellent mother. I'll try and think of some more.
C ya :)
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Things you can't forget:
1-You're an incredible person
2- Many people love and care about you
3-When you feel sad, remember the good moments in your life
4-No matter how things seem to be bad today, tomorrow is going to be another day
5-Put a big smile in your face,because God gave you the biggest gift:LIFE
Lots of Hugs
Bruna
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From: Sunbeamkat
'I believe in myself'
Self-belief is the greatest gift.
xxx
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From: JuliefromtheUK
you have friends who love + respect you for who you are
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From: Snapper - Ashley
I am a warm, friendly, loving person.
It comes across in your writing
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From: Deb1
*stands up* Repeat after me, I am the best. I am the greatest. I have so many friends who love and respect for who I am. I am talented. I am kind.....
...and I love the greatest guy in the world ~ DARRENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN...
Sorry had to add him there.. He's the biggest boost
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hiya janet
how about something like..
"i am strong"
or
"i have friends who will love and support me through everything i do b/c they love me"
~Ashley (Smlgrl)
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..I am among thousands of people that individuals that have supported and continue to support the Australian Pop Duo Savage Garden and in that respect I have friends that care and worry about me and will back me when the world comes against me......
"you aren't alone Janet." - JaneEyre
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How about: "I am an amazing person that deserves as much happiness as I can get"?
Hugs,
Wendy (Danzgurl)
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wow those describe you very well. you always seem to put others before your self, if they need help or a hug you put things aside and help them, even if you need help yourself. you always make people happy on normal days or on days when they need a smile. I don't know if I helped..but I hope I did!
**hugs**
Sara (MangoHayes)
PS-thanks for being all those things to me, and everyone else.
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From Dansgurl1
"ure a nice person all over"
"uve got extremely good taste in music"
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From TraceyJones
people who you've never even met face to face think your a really great person
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From PurpleRibbonGirl
Here's some of my coping phrases that I wrote on my cards when I was in hospital -
That which hurts, also instructs
There is no way to know before experiencing.
Be greatful when you're feeling good and graceful when you're feeling bad
It's alright to ask for help from others if I need it
I am not selfish for taking care of myself
Failure? I never encountered it. All I ever met were temporary setbacks
Nothing is impossible to a willing heart
Always be a first rate version of yourself, rather than a second rate version of someone else
Listen to your feelings, they're trying to tell you something
Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have
I want to live like animals, careless and free. I want to live, I want to run through the jungle with the wind in my hair and the sand at my feet.
Do or do not. There is no try
Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right
The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us
The path was worn and slippery. My foot slipped from under me, knocking the other out of the way, but I recovered and said to myself, "It's a slip, not a fall"
The less pain we as women inflict on their bodies, the more beautiful our bodies will look to us.
Be happy where you are
Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself
To accomplish great things, we must not only act but also dream, not only dream but also believe
I hope some of these help you as much as they've helped me!
Luv Laura
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From Kriefman:
that everyone on the board here loves u and supports you all the way!
sophie
xxx
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From DanielsRose - Katie
"There is nothing the matter with me. I am a beautiful person inside and out. God made me for me. People come in all shapes and sizes."
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April 2001
Is having an eating disorder a sin???? I was reading in my First Holy Communion missal that eating so much that it makes you sick is sinful. I know that I was that way from time to time. I even heard in the penance/confession service recently. I have an eating disorder - I eat more than I should when I am depressed or stressed out. I have been that way for nearly 10 years. I just recently faced up to the fact just about a month ago. It was the hardest thing I had to do. Everyday I am tempted if I am stressed and/or depressed to go on an eating binge, somedays it is so so hard that I am near tears fighting the feelings not to go out and buy large amounts of food and eat it. It is even harder when you dont have alot of support from your own mother who thinks you arent trying hard enough and need to give up even more stuff. I just wish sometimes my eating disorder and weight problems would instantly go away but I know that they will not. I know that God is testing me in some way, and knows His daughter on earth is doing what she can to overcome this test. He has blessed me with inner strength and power, and with the support and love of all those who love me no matter what, I will win the battle. Try walking a mile in my shoes...what would you do in my situation if you felt that you had no one that would listen or care at times that you had problems...but I now know that if I crash and burn, I am never alone...I have many people that care so so much for me and think I am doing the best thing...getting help and support!!!!
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My Version of GOOD ENOUGH
April 2002
Would you like me any better if my jeans size was a size 6 instead of a 16
I know I admit sometimes I dance to the Backstreet Boys music or N'sync
I admit I don't like sci-fi movies or horror movies
But I can count how many times I have seen Titanic in the theatre
Could I be good enough if I was 5'8" and 110 pounds
Could I be good enough if I was a size 6
Could I be noticed if my hair was blonde or my eyes were blue
Could I be good enough if I wore tight clothes
Could I be good enough if I looked good in everything I wore
I know I had enough to eat when I was young
I know I didnt like being one of few kids who worked hard for everything
But it was good enough now, it helped alot
I know I was teased cause of my looks as a kid
But I wonder why they did
It proves they had issues of their own
Could I be good enough if I was 5'8" and 110 pounds
Could I be good enough if I was a size 6
Could I be noticed if my hair was blonde or my eyes were blue
Could I be good enough if I wore tight clothes
Could I be good enough if I looked good in everything I wore
Yes sometimes I cry too much
Yes sometimes I complain too much
I know I dont like what I see in the mirror
I know I cant always stay focused
Could I be good enough if I was 5'8" and 110 pounds
Could I be good enough if I was a size 6
Could I be noticed if my hair was blonde or my eyes were blue
Could I be good enough if I wore tight clothes
Could I be good enough if I looked good in everything I wore
But I can say I am good enough
my heart and my soul
Being caring and compassionate and giving
Being a forgiving person
I am good enough on the inside
Even if I am not considered good enough on the outside
I am good enough
Could I be good enough if I was 5'8" and 110 pounds
Could I be good enough if I was a size 6
Could I be noticed if my hair was blonde or my eyes were blue
Could I be good enough if I wore tight clothes
Could I be good enough if I looked good in everything I wore
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Reflections
Summer 2001
What do I see when I look in the mirror?
The unattractive fat girl looks back at me
She has a look in her eye that has sadness in it
She doesnt smile
She looks down at her self
What does she see?
More there than what she is supposed to have
Fat and stuff..
Seems to be more cleavage than Dolly Parton sometimes
A stomach that isnt flat like a pancake
A backside that is too huge
Thighs that can choke many people by just one look cause they are huge
Feet that seem to be bigger than the Titanic
But she cant seem to see what others see in photos:
A heart of gold
Hazel eyes that sparkle
Hair that shines in the sun
A smile that lights her face up when a certain name is mentioned
A giving heart and soul
She cant seem to see that side of herself sometimes
When she lives in so much darkness
She longs to see the reflections in the mirror and see something different
Someone who doesnt have to cry as often
Someone who doesnt have to hide all of their numerous flaws
Someone who needs someone to tell her she is truly beautiful where it counts
The interior and the exterior of herself that she see reflected back in the mirror....